Part One
This series chronicles the experiences of Basia, an Australian working mom of three young violin students who recently wrote me about her kids crying and complaining during their Suzuki violin practice routine:
Basia writes:
I’m not providing a positive practice for F (age 8) and G (age 5) – while they all love the instruments and the idea of being musicians and like to play once they ‘know’ the pieces- getting there seems to be hard work (with lots of arguments along the way). I refuse to give up or let them give up the way my folks gave up with me (piano) but surely there’s a better way to make practice at home more enjoyable & effective! F (in particular sheds many tears every time he learns a new piece. He’s fine with the teacher but not at home when I call for practice time. G meanwhile just argues and only wants to play a piece only once!
She follows with:
We’ve also been away from home visiting relatives. Prior to that my work load was a bit extreme and with my husband away for weeks at a time for his work it left little room for anything but school, food, showers & sleep. I’m hopeful this year will be less chaotic.
Sometimes we have really nice practices usually during school holidays that fall during the year and I’ve taken leave from work. We do it regularly and the boys play one after the other often playing for each other too or recording a video to send to their dad.
If ever there was a snapshot of modern family life, certainly this would be it. Music practice has too often become a chaotic and stressful addition to an already overly busy life. Certainly, every parent wants to give their kids a rich life filled with a variety of experiences. And many parents regret quitting music in their own childhood.
Restoring Sanity Back to Kids’ Violin Practice
Music lessons, even for a single child, are not what they seem. Most parents expect a relatively passive activity of transporting kids to and from lessons, interspersed with a bit of “touch up” between lessons, to get the songs right.
Contrary to all appearances, music lessons aren’t about learning the songs. Far from it, they’re a major intervention in the life of a child. Your job as a Suzuki parent is to empower a future citizen of the world with the ability to create positive actions on his/her own behalf.
The first step towards sanity is to accept the fact that you’ve embarked upon a prolonged and important journey, a major life priority. Violin is not a throwaway that can be sandwiched between dance and soccer practice.
Why Your Kids Are Complaining About Practice
Yes, kids will complain about just about any/all activities at one time or another. On the other hand, if you are the captain of a ship that has fallen victim to a practice mutiny, take notice. There is a serious problem with one or more aspects of your family’s Suzuki journey.
The three sources of practice stress:
- Parent does not fully understand or honor the nature/scope of the music project
- The actual practice routine is inadequate to the task
- Specific objectives of practice aren’t clearly defined by the teacher, or clearly understood by the parent.
Have you noted that none of the above sources fall back to a young (under 12 year old) music student?
Taking Back Your Family Music Time
Truly, Basia is an intuitive Suzuki Mom. She already knows that “really nice practices” are not only possible, they are probable, given the correct set of circumstances. She has also noted a common pattern of dysfunctional practice: when the newness wears off, boredom quickly sets in. And she already senses that by creating a relaxed, creative atmosphere around each practice session, enjoyment and progress naturally and easily fall into place.
In short, Basia already knows the answers to many of her questions. As do most parents who are willing to honestly look at their own practice “practice.”
The Practice of Practice
There is a Zen of practice. I’ve often said that the word practice is a noun and not a verb. Like yoga or meditation, or any important professional practice, it requires devotion. You must honor the importance and value of practice, to make the benefits real. The moment you make that mental switch, everything changes in an instant.
Stated more practically, your job as a young music student’s parent is to:
1. Provide a calm, spacious feeling around a regular practice routine
2. Create the right amount of challenge (with the help a teacher)
3. Provide the motivation and inspiration your child needs to thrive
Your Kids Have the Talent, But Will You Step Up?
In all honesty, violin lessons (or any structured music lessons) aren’t the right choice for every family. Practice will claim plenty of time on a daily basis, and the right frame of mind to thoughtfully use that time.
After many years of teaching, I can truly say that the families who create a credible practice environment will almost always enjoy incredible progress. The parents who regularly listen to great music, will inspire their kids to do the same. Most important of all, parents who are truly involved and supportive of the practice process will sooner or later find the optimal ingredients needed to make things work.
On the other hand, parents who skim through music practice in an already overly busy life will soon face all manner of problems, if not a full-on mutiny. These families have slowly but surely moved into a kind of Suzuki violin practice routine hell.
As a parent myself, I can safely say we have a very limited amount of time to get it right. Put more crudely: your kid needs your time and devotion more than you need a fancy new car or bigger house.
Your kid needs your time and devotion more than you need a fancy new car or bigger house.
Will kids still complain? Yes, and they’ll do so even if you’ve gone deep with your family’s music journey. But more often than not, all of that complaining and those tears point to a larger issue. Parents who do the hard work and sort out the typical complaining from deeper issues are truly giving their kids a gift that will be valued for a lifetime.